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[31 Dec 2008|02:46pm] |
2008
started with immense regret of the most innocent kind:
I will never again eat Russian cooking or drink Heineken.
the flu, and a fast-forward vacation
(which climaxed at 6:45 am in Virginia Beach
as I watched the sun rise over the ocean
and saw it for the very first time)
four months of not knowing where to go when I got off work
(my home, or hers)
not having any idea where I would be sleeping
(in my bed, or hers)
and pouring money into the only stable thing in my life
(1989 dodge dynasty - still the only place I feel AT home).
biking downtown to our favorite bar
hanging out with people we don't really care for
and biking home drunk with the knowledge
that we have all we need.
we are all we need.
she graduated
leaving me behind in the world of academia
while she searched for jobs and grew increasingly discontent
I moved in
and finally unpacked three months later
when I realized I didn't actually need my own bedroom.
we merged:
one bed in one bedroom.
one set of dishes in one kitchen.
we adopted pets
and took out the recycling together.
settling slowly into the comfortable sweatpants
of a longterm relationship
begets mediocrity
but of the blissful variety.
I deserved a year of relaxation
and comfortable stability.
I could not have handled watching
the downfall of our nation
with my own downfall occurring simultaneously.
Ending this year with the promise of a better future
(yes we can)
and with hope for positive world change
(yes we will).
we already have more
than what we started with.
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[09 Apr 2008|12:41am] |
she's right, though
I am almost always in pain. I can't decide if it's one of the fifteen things wrong with me I've discovered since getting this health-food-store-gig (my body's too acidic; i'm often dehydrated; i'm addicted to sugar; i don't eat enough fiber; and on and on in this vein...), if it's something much worse, or if all ordinary people feel this way all the time and I just complain about it more than they do.
this week it is what my ex affectionately called 'spoon-scraping' period cramps; every few weeks it's migraines and head colds; tuesdays give me muscle and back aches.
i never
ever want to get out of bed
i know that being depressed makes you sick and being sick makes you depressed but what can i do to stop the vicious cycle?
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[30 Dec 2007|12:21pm] |
2007:
no death.
no dying.
no loss.
the hospital bed, with me in it again,
but no fear. they brought me there
and then left my side
and there was no forgiveness.
there was cold air and failure and a long uphill struggle
when the snow melted and I found myself again,
there next to me was this amazing woman
but next to her there was another one..
this time
the polyamory
was not my own
and I learned to grow up around it.
my own car, unemployment, flame torches, and the loss of loneliness
daylong barefoot summertime adventures
(with her puppy)
escaping lafayette and finding inspiration to move
(repeatedly)
laura veirs, mirah, and ani difranco
(but not all at once)
moving to my very own home
and having her in it.
drinking beer in my kitchen
by the glow of the moonlight we had shared outdoors
all throughout the longest possible courtship.
revisiting our mutual homeland
rediscovering things that were once meaningless.
helping her move, and knowing we would do it all again once more
but once for both of us together.
two very unhealthy jobs, for both of us, for a long time.
eating food, gaining weight, and ignoring the whole thing.
school, stress, repeated failure, and rejection of art;
somehow surviving Purdue 2007
with the hope of something entirely different next fall.
love, uncertainty, trust,
and a feeling close to what destiny must be
ringing in the new year with her
and the other woman
having known the whole time: I am the one she chooses.
2007 harbored much hurt, hate, and emptiness
but I can still feel the warmth and love that came with it.
let 2008 be what it will be
because I will never again ask for anything.
( I have all I need )
related: BBC news documents as NYC condemns 2007 into the DUSTBIN OF HISTORY
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[23 Dec 2007|12:00am] |
how am I supposed to trust you to get me there
when everything we ever plan to do is forgotten, ignored, or given up on?
let's get there together
and then go everywhere else we said we would
josie, i love you.
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[17 Mar 2007|01:29am] |
hey!
happy birthday, billy corgan. <3
last year I made him a cake, which he loved. it was green on the inside. photos in a back entry if you search around for it...cant remember which journal that made it into.
this year: liquor and cupcakes. clearly, this year wins.
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[09 Mar 2007|02:59pm] |
fuck you, earwigs!
"Earwigs are a relatively common, if little known insects, typified by Forficula auricularia the common European Earwig. Which can now be found in most temperate and many tropical countries due to its fondness for potted plants as a home. There are around 1 200 species of which the rare, if not extinct Labidura herculeana from St Helena is the largest at around 8 cm long. "
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I have always hated the motherfuckers
and it is totally inappropriate that the first insect I see this spring apart from the housefly
is a family of motherfucking earwigs hatching in my windowsill garden.
thank god they're the tiny kind with pincers that aren't really menacing. I'm still kind of terrified to open the window, though, since two of them are still trapped between the glass and the screen D:
everything else on this earth has a right to live
except earwigs, and silverfish. | |
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| things I want you to know. |
[26 Feb 2007|11:49pm] |
even if it takes you forever to see this. even if you never see this.
I miss you. you hear it all the time, but I do not ever know if it fully registers with you. I miss the way it was wayyy before this. Before Lindsay, before apartment 354, before Purdue. Back when it was just you and me and Shelly. Coffee Creek, chessboards, fondue, purple paint, Abe. Not being able to slam the door on your Mom's van. The kids! and the way they always wanted to spend time with us (and sit next to ME at dinner or in the car). When you and I loved one another and it was genuine and real and without flaws and obstacles.
I know that will never happen again
but I also know that somewhere inside of each of us, those girls still exist. the real ones, the ones that cared for one another and were honest and not hurtful or spiteful or rude. the ones that could joke around with one another, make fun of one another, and still always be there for one another.
I am sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt you.
but I am sick of apologizing. I want you to one day need me in your life again. For the past several months I have been the one doing the needing. It hurts to always be unreciprocated. So much could have been avoided if you had only needed me back.
but you didn't
and that's not your fault, I know.
but now I feel useless here,
a place I never wanted to be without you,
and I need you to validate my presence. To tell me it is okay to stay, to even invite me in.
Eventually, to lean on me as I have leaned on you. To value me and my words and thoughts, to value my art and my experiences and my life and my mind, as I have always valued yours.
lets get back there, one day. there are so many more things i want to share with you before this life is over. I never, ever wanted to lose you, and I regret every experience I've had since that happened.
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[16 Jan 2007|06:56am] |
i'm taking a chance.
wish me luck.
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[28 Aug 2006|10:19pm] |
definitely went somewhere else.
if you want, query my new location via aim: electra is blind.
so long! (:
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[23 Aug 2006|01:43pm] |
and also, this.
see ya.
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[12 Aug 2006|02:54pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ani - how have you been |
] |
you could always hear the rub squeaking
of those two tree limbs
'til one day one of them came down
taken down by the wind
but on the one that's still there
you can still see where the bark was
rubbed bare
it's a metaphor if you know what i mean
how have you been?
me and you
and your girlfriend makes three
in the interest of even numbers
i will make myself scarce
i will make myself scarcely me
but i'll be outside your window at night
pull up your shades
leave on your light
i don't want to come in between
i just want to know
how have you been
i leave for a living
music's just something i do
on my way out the door
and i'd do almost anything once
something about you
i think i'd do you more
if i had my way i'd stay here
and watch your hair grow for a while
it makes me smile just to dream of it
how have you been
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[01 Aug 2006|07:13pm] |
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well i know we're dying
and there's no sign of a parachute
in this chapel
little chapel of love
can't we get a little grace
and some elegance
no, we scream in cathedrals
why can't it be beautiful?
why does there
gotta be a sacrifice?
this song makes me cry every. single. time.
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[18 Jul 2006|05:08pm] |
daria + pole
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[30 Jun 2006|03:55pm] |
| [ |
music |
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tori - doughnut song |
] |
devoted satellite
happy for you
and i am sure that i hate you
too sons too many too many able fires
and if i'm wasting all your time
this time
i think you never learned to take
and if i'm hanging on to your shade
i guess i'm way beyond the pale
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[14 Jun 2006|12:58pm] |
| [ |
music |
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ani - going down |
] |
but I'm just about done
with the oh-woe-is-me-shit
and I want everything back
thats mine.
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[26 May 2006|03:56pm] |
I seriously exist only to go to the grocery store, come back, feed the cat, give him water, go to sleep, wake up, and repeat when necessary.
he is all I have here.
♥
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[18 May 2006|12:19pm] |
i think we should all just smile
come clean
and
relax
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[29 Mar 2006|12:03pm] |
wanted: webspace to host the things that purdue.edu would suspend me for.
will trade: mixtapes, baked goods, bad art, or a combination of the three.
xo.
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