the james.

( ( oh, dawg ) )

Bugg, it's time for your walk.

the james.

snowstorms, sleeping in, and sneaking out
delivering my last valentines to my lafayette lovers
and savoring my last ever indiana winter

although that's not to say I wasn't grateful
when the snow finally melted and the daffodils pushed through
to smile at us

permanent ink:
a rose for every day of my life.

an avalanche of actions and emotions
that carried me from march through july
and landed us squarely in the city we love

both of us with jobs
and a beautiful home
and built-in friends

spending every waking moment at work,
or on a train to work
or else with a book and my dog
on my beach
with my seagull!

I never thought I'd be here
and it's even more perfect now that we have civil rights.

when I need something to happen
when I really need it to work
it works. 

in 2012 I wish for...
financial comfort
and an adventure to beat all.

if it really is the last year of human life
I also want to feel the deepest peace.

Dear Chicago:
the james.
Please treat us nicely while we dip our toes in. We may only be moving 150 miles away, but it feels like half the world! 

We are rapidly amassing expenses that we may not have budgeted enough for

although luckily my new job comes with less responsibility and a bit more pay.

things I won't have to pay for in Chicago:

- car insurance
- gasoline
- car maintenance/fluids/upkeep
- water/sewage bill

things that will be cheaper:

- medical/vision/dental
- cable tv/internet
- trips to the beach (:
- miscellaneous entertainment/weekends



new things I will have to pay for in Chicago:

- cta pass
- renters insurance
- other unforseeable expenses????

aside from moving expenses, we're hoping to purchase a new mattress and bedroom set, some items for the kitchen, a couch, and a television. I need to sell my car, a 29 gallon fish tank and setup, and trade in my cruiser bicycle for a road bike. 

at least the hard part is taken care of: our lease begins July 15, and I begin my job at the Lincoln Park Whole Foods Bakery shortly thereafter. 



(no subject)
the james.
 I am a fan of being honest & forthright with your friends about their girlfriends/boyfriends/partners/etc.
especially when you see them getting themselves into a lot of trouble
possibly even damage
if you withheld specific information 

every time I think of the people I knew/went around with/called my friends
in 2005/6/7
I am completely bowled over with pain and sadness and anger
because they attempted to do the above
but not with anyone's best interests in mind
they were not trying to save her from my kind of crazy
they were just trying to gossip
and to perpetuate my crazy so they would have something to gossip about

I have slowly 
systematically, even
weeded these individuals from my life
as the information was revealed that they had originally attempted to meddle with
my budding relationship with josie

these people I loved and mostly trusted
who were the only friends I had made in the time since lauren & lindsay took away all of the ones I had before
they saw my state of mental decay
and rather than help me repair
support me to forge healthy, normal, functional, lasting relationships
they took it upon themselves to interfere with my slow healing process
in the worst possible way
josie speaks candidly now of the things people said to her
about me
under the guise of "friendly advice"
those, she admits, she never called friends
and had only barely met them
and that they sometimes said equally disturbing things about eachother
at the time, they could come together and agree on one thing
"Steer clear of that one."
By the time she proposed to me last fall,
I hadn't spoken to or contacted a single one of them in over a year
occasionally a friend request will pop through on facebook
and I am careful to let it pend for an appropriate amount of time
before I click "ignore"
I have no desire to dredge up this issue
what excuses could they have that would make any of it okay?
why would I bother repairing a friendship that was obviously hardly even there?
what took them so long to realize they had done something wrong?
what made them think that this girl they barely knew
didn't harbor her own kind of crazy?
the kind of crazy that was perfectly compatible with mine
lucky for them
Josie & I are excellent partners
when faced with adversity.

(no subject)
the james.

started with immense regret of the most innocent kind:
I will never again eat Russian cooking or drink Heineken.
the flu, and a fast-forward vacation
(which climaxed at 6:45 am in Virginia Beach
as I watched the sun rise over the ocean
and saw it for the very first time)

four months of not knowing where to go when I got off work
(my home, or hers)
not having any idea where I would be sleeping
(in my bed, or hers)
and pouring money into the only stable thing in my life
(1989 dodge dynasty - still the only place I feel AT home).

biking downtown to our favorite bar
hanging out with people we don't really care for
and biking home drunk with the knowledge
that we have all we need.
we are all we need.

she graduated
leaving me behind in the world of academia
while she searched for jobs and grew increasingly discontent

I moved in
and finally unpacked three months later
when I realized I didn't actually need my own bedroom.

we merged:
one bed in one bedroom.
one set of dishes in one kitchen.
we adopted pets
and took out the recycling together.

settling slowly into the comfortable sweatpants
of a longterm relationship
begets mediocrity
but of the blissful variety.

I deserved a year of relaxation
and comfortable stability.
I could not have handled watching
the downfall of our nation
with my own downfall occurring simultaneously.

Ending this year with the promise of a better future
(yes we can)
and with hope for positive world change
(yes we will).

we already have more
than what we started with.

(no subject)
the james.
she's right, though
I am almost always in pain. I can't decide if it's one of the fifteen things wrong with me I've discovered since getting this health-food-store-gig (my body's too acidic; i'm often dehydrated; i'm addicted to sugar; i don't eat enough fiber; and on and on in this vein...), if it's something much worse, or if all ordinary people feel this way all the time and I just complain about it more than they do.

this week it is what my ex affectionately called 'spoon-scraping' period cramps; every few weeks it's migraines and head colds; tuesdays give me muscle and back aches.

i never
ever want to get out of bed

i know that being depressed makes you sick and being sick makes you depressed but what can i do to stop the vicious cycle?

(no subject)
the james.

no death.
no dying.
no loss.

the hospital bed, with me in it again,
but no fear. they brought me there
and then left my side
and there was no forgiveness.

there was cold air and failure and a long uphill struggle
when the snow melted and I found myself again,
there next to me was this amazing woman
but next to her there was another one..
this time
the polyamory
was not my own
and I learned to grow up around it.

my own car, unemployment, flame torches, and the loss of loneliness
daylong barefoot summertime adventures
(with her puppy)
escaping lafayette and finding inspiration to move
laura veirs, mirah, and ani difranco
(but not all at once)

moving to my very own home
and having her in it.
drinking beer in my kitchen
by the glow of the moonlight we had shared outdoors
all throughout the longest possible courtship.

revisiting our mutual homeland
rediscovering things that were once meaningless.
helping her move, and knowing we would do it all again once more
but once for both of us together.

two very unhealthy jobs, for both of us, for a long time.
eating food, gaining weight, and ignoring the whole thing.
school, stress, repeated failure, and rejection of art;
somehow surviving Purdue 2007
with the hope of something entirely different next fall.

love, uncertainty, trust,
and a feeling close to what destiny must be
ringing in the new year with her
and the other woman
having known the whole time: I am the one she chooses.

2007 harbored much hurt, hate, and emptiness
but I can still feel the warmth and love that came with it.
let 2008 be what it will be
because I will never again ask for anything.
( I have all I need )

related: BBC news documents as NYC condemns 2007 into the DUSTBIN OF HISTORY

(no subject)
the james.
how am I supposed to trust you to get me there
when everything we ever plan to do is forgotten, ignored, or given up on?

let's get there together
and then go everywhere else we said we would

josie, i love you.

(no subject)
the james.

happy birthday, billy corgan. <3

last year I made him a cake, which he loved. it was green on the inside. photos in a back entry if you search around for it...cant remember which journal that made it into.

this year: liquor and cupcakes. clearly, this year wins.

(no subject)
the james.
fuck you, earwigs!

"Earwigs are a relatively common, if little known insects, typified by Forficula auricularia the common European Earwig. Which can now be found in most temperate and many tropical countries due to its fondness for potted plants as a home. There are around 1 200 species of which the rare, if not extinct Labidura herculeana from St Helena is the largest at around 8 cm long. "

I have always hated the motherfuckers
and it is totally inappropriate that the first insect I see this spring apart from the housefly
is a family of motherfucking earwigs hatching in my windowsill garden.

thank god they're the tiny kind with pincers that aren't really menacing. I'm still kind of terrified to open the window, though, since two of them are still trapped between the glass and the screen D:

everything else on this earth has a right to live
except earwigs, and silverfish.

things I want you to know.
the james.
even if it takes you forever to see this. even if you never see this.

I miss you. you hear it all the time, but I do not ever know if it fully registers with you. I miss the way it was wayyy before this. Before Lindsay, before apartment 354, before Purdue. Back when it was just you and me and Shelly. Coffee Creek, chessboards, fondue, purple paint, Abe. Not being able to slam the door on your Mom's van. The kids! and the way they always wanted to spend time with us (and sit next to ME at dinner or in the car). When you and I loved one another and it was genuine and real and without flaws and obstacles.

I know that will never happen again
but I also know that somewhere inside of each of us, those girls still exist. the real ones, the ones that cared for one another and were honest and not hurtful or spiteful or rude. the ones that could joke around with one another, make fun of one another, and still always be there for one another.

I am sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt you.
but I am sick of apologizing. I want you to one day need me in your life again. For the past several months I have been the one doing the needing. It hurts to always be unreciprocated. So much could have been avoided if you had only needed me back.
but you didn't
and that's not your fault, I know.

but now I feel useless here,
a place I never wanted to be without you,
and I need you to validate my presence. To tell me it is okay to stay, to even invite me in.

Eventually, to lean on me as I have leaned on you. To value me and my words and thoughts, to value my art and my experiences and my life and my mind, as I have always valued yours.

lets get back there, one day. there are so many more things i want to share with you before this life is over. I never, ever wanted to lose you, and I regret every experience I've had since that happened.


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